Chapter 5

Alex handed a small disk to Mari as they made their way down the corridor toward the lifts. "Just so you know my motives weren't completely selfish, here's a copy of the data for your own records."

Mari smiled and took the disk, then handed it to Ian without so much as a glance in his direction. "Don't be silly, Alex. As humans our motives can't be anything but selfish. It's our nature." She snaked an arm around Alex's as they walked. "Sha'erah are the only creatures I know who can act otherwise."

Alex glanced over his shoulder at Ian and felt a strange twinge of discomfort. Occasionally something Mari said, or sometimes more often didn't say, bothered him. She definitely thought of Ian as her property, though she was more concerned with his health and welfare than Kellman ever had been for Thomas. This time it was both her implication that Ian and Evan were something other than human - a subject he couldn't dare broach without the risk of her figuring out how he knew - and her cryptic remark about selfish motives being so natural. He'd left Evan back in their quarters to inform Jackson of their new course settings while he escorted their guests back to the lift, and now he found himself regretting that decision.

They'd reached the lift so Alex turned, easily removing Mari's arm from his without suggesting any impoliteness. "Well thank you." He smiled at her, then turned his attention to Ian so the Sha'erah would know it was his effort Alex appreciated. "You probably saved me a few month's worth of wandering around."

Ian inclined his head in a barely perceptible nod but said nothing.

"We owe you that much for the ride here, after all." Mari pushed some hair from her shoulder and nodded toward the lift buttons. Ian pressed the call signal and stepped aside, moving a few feet away. "Now, I wonder if I could ask a favor of you?"

Alex sensed something amiss, though he couldn't fathom what. There was nothing about Mari that suggested danger, but he suddenly found himself wishing Evan were here, instead of down the hall. He chose a simple raising of his eyebrows as a comment, placing the ball back in her court.

"I'd like to spend a little time with Evan, now that we know where you're heading and all. I'm sure there's some free time for everyone to enjoy for a week or two."

Alex blinked. "Spend a little time with Evan?" He knew somewhere deep in the recesses of his mind - back where logic and reason typically napped - that he should understand exactly what she meant. But his conscious wasn't catching on.

Mari smiled mischievously, looking for all the world like she was flirting with him. She moved a half-step closer. "If you don't have a problem with it, of course. I'm assuming you and he don't . . ."

As her sentence trailed off, Alex caught on. His face burned suddenly as he cleared his throat, shooting a quick glance at Ian. The Sha'erah was watching them passively, but a curious look flashed through his black eyes as he saw Alex hesitate.

"I -- No, we don't -- He and I, no." Alex was stammering like a virgin. He shook his head in the hope that the slight breeze would cool the burning he could feel in his face. "No, Evan and I both prefer women."

Mari laughed lightly. "Well, Evan prefers whatever you tell him to." She watched him closely, looking puzzled all of a sudden.

"Listen, if you want to . . . um, you can talk to Evan. It's none of my business who he spends time with." Alex tried his best to look casual and regain some semblance of composure. As he glanced automatically from Mari to Ian and back again he was struck by the odd expressions on each of their faces. They lasted only seconds, leaving him no time to evaluate anything he thought he'd seen, but it appeared as if he'd just surprised and confused them both in completely different ways.

Mari leaned back, resting against the wall, and looked at Alex thoughtfully. Behind her the lift car arrived and Ian stepped inside, holding the door for her. "You're a mystery, Alex Marcase." She turned and joined her Sha'erah in the lift.

He had no reply, not even a curt remark to toss back at her, so he just stood there.

Mari shook her head as the lift doors slowly closed. "A complete mystery."

Alex stared at the closed doors for a full minute, trying to figure out what had just happened. He was bothered by not only her remarks, but his inability to reply to anything with a modicum of intelligence. Mentally he felt as if he'd been a half-step behind the entire conversation, and was sure he would have been better able to conduct his half if Evan had been there.

With a shake of his head, he turned and started back down the corridor. He'd told Evan his sex life was his own business. There was no way in Hades he was going to pimp for his friend, regardless of what his father used to do. Just because he'd been relatively celibate this trip didn't mean Evan had to be. He had his own room, after all.

Alex huffed. "Shows what you know." She was still under the impression Sha'erah weren't human. Okay, so maybe there wasn't anything human about the way they were bred, raised, trained or treated . . . But he wasn't a creature, for crying out loud. Alex reached for the key panel to his quarters and stopped, his hand hovering over the touch pad. There really was only one way to get to the truth. But before he asked the question, he knew he had to be damn sure he wanted to know the answer.

"Maybe a little humiliation will be good for me," Alex mumbled. He pressed his hand over the touch pad and stepped through the door.

It took two beers before Alex felt he could come close to touching on the subject. Evan was busy with the hologram, and Jackson called to confirm their new course settings, interrupting his first pass at warming up to talking to Evan.

"Is there a problem, Chief?" Alex was curt and he knew it, but he used the lateness of the hour as his excuse. Chief Jackson was calling from his own quarters, not the bridge, so there were no crewmen around to hear their captain being rude.

Jackson's face didn't quite fill the screen, but a scowl was dominating his face. "It's just that the course he requested is days away from the one we were on already and takes us to the outer edges of the nebula, not inside. I have to wonder if you're putting your faith in the wrong technology."

Alex bristled at the implied insult. "It wasn't a suggestion, Chief. Evan gave you an order." He saw how his comment darkened the man's scowl and felt no guilt about it. "We've found a planet along this course that everyone else has missed."

Jackson glared at him, but suddenly muted the sound and appeared to be listening to someone off camera. Finally he nodded. "Aye-aye, sir."

Alex ended the call and went to the galley for another beer. He had no real intention of drinking it, but he needed something to fuss with if he was going to do this. When he got to the galley he realized the beer he was still holding wasn't empty.

"Is something wrong?"

He glanced up, startled by the question, and found Evan standing beside the couch, PDA in one hand. The hologram was still on, hovering in crystal clarity over the table.

Alex shrugged. "Not wrong, no. I was just thinking."

Evan tossed his PDA to the couch. "Thinking?"

"Yeah." Alex glanced at the bottle in his hand and hoped the dimmed room lights would hide any redness his face was sure to experience in the next few minutes. "Mari asked me if she could spend time with you." He laughed shortly and lifted the bottle to his lips, trying hard to make the comment seem as casual and offhand as possible. It failed miserably.

Evan's face was a mixture of fear and surprise for the split second it took him to compose himself and regain full control. He sighed quietly and appeared to feign mild interest. "What did you tell her?"

Alex wondered if he'd just imagined seeing fear in Evan's eyes. "I told her it was none of my business."

This time it was Evan who laughed shortly. "I can imagine her reaction to that."

"She thought I was an idiot."

"Did she say that?"

Alex shook his head. "Not in words, no." He walked around the galley counter and sat on a stool, facing Evan. "So . . . Is that something you'd want to do? With Mari, I mean?"

Evan hesitated a moment. "Do you want me to?"

Alex held up the beer and used the index finger of that hand to point at Evan. "That's not fair. I asked you first."

"If you want me to, I will."

"Now who's avoiding the issue?" Alex got off the stool but stayed where he was. "If I told you to sleep with her, you'd do it, wouldn't you? Regardless of how you felt about it."

"Yes, I would. But I don't think you would ask me to."

"No, of course not!" Alex turned around as if to pace the room but changed his mind. "I'm not your pimp, Evan, I'm your friend. If you want to spend time with her, you're perfectly within your rights to do so."

"What I want isn't the issue." Evan folded his arms in front of his chest and watched Alex.

Flustered by the circular argument, Alex forced his legs to start moving. He paced to the other side of the room then turned around again before speaking.

"Okay, explain something." He stopped pacing and looked at Evan. "If I told you to . . . That is, if you saw a woman you . . . Just because I said so - which I'm not about to do - you could sleep with someone you felt nothing for?"

"Yes." Evan's reply was matter-of-fact and accompanied with a shrug of both shoulders.

"Just because I told you to?"

"Yes."

Alex wondered if it was a trick of the light, something from the hologram perhaps? He was sure he caught a hint of humor in those black eyes. "But what if you saw someone you wanted to spend time with? You don't need my permission."

Evan shook his head. "I don't look at anyone that way."

"What?"

"Not unless you've told me to."

Alex was sure he hadn't had enough alcohol for this conversation. He started back for the galley and got another beer. "Okay, I'm trying to get this figured out." He set the bottle on the counter and pressed both hands down on the smooth surface, leaning on them as he stared at Evan. "You don't even think about sex, unless I tell you to?"

"I know what we found when we met Maker. But I'm still Sha'erah. We are different than you. Our whole method of training and conditioning is nothing like what you had as a young boy."

Alex felt his face burn with embarrassment and more than a little confusion. "I know how you were conditioned, Evan. I'm not talking about what you're supposed to think or do. I'm talking about you. " This was worse than having The Talk with his mother, six months after he'd already been with a girl. This wasn't just two buddies talking about sex. It was too . . . complicated.

"So am I." Evan's tone was extremely patient, as if he was trying to gently explain something to a child that the child wasn't old enough to truly comprehend. "You can't think of it with your own understanding. I don't react the same way you do."

Alex took a long drink, hoping the coldness of the beer would flush out the burning in his face. It didn't. He flicked at the silver ring with his thumb. He felt like an idiot but he didn't want to give up, not yet. He had to at least give it an honest effort. Besides, he knew this conversation -- as strange as it was -- wouldn't leave the room. "You know I'm not talking about this as a Keeper, Evan. I'm talking about this as your friend."

Evan shrugged. "The answer is still the same."

Everything inside told him to drop it there, walk away while he had the chance. But Alex pressed on, driven by a need to figure this out, regardless. At least Evan wasn't laughing at him. Yet.

"So, what you're telling me is . . . You don't even think about sex without an order to? So you could see a beautiful woman and never get . . . I mean, there has to be times when you find someone you'd enjoy being with for your own sake." A sudden, very alien sense of massive responsibility threatened to overwhelm Alex. Just how much power did a Keeper need, for crying out loud?

"Like I said, you can't think of it with your own sense of life and the world around you. At times like these it helps people to think of Sha'erah as alien."

Alex ran a hand over his face, slowly dragging the fingers down to his chin. Absently he realized he needed a shave. "You've been with me for over a year, and I . . . I mean it's just now dawning on me that I've been ignoring . . . " He swallowed and tried to change his tone from guilt to curiosity. "How often did my father tell you to?"

Evan shrugged. He'd moved around to the back of the couch and was leaning against it, facing Alex. "Only as often as it was necessary for what he wanted done."

Alex laughed shortly and shook his head. "I can't believe this."

"What?"

He had to move, so he started pacing again, beer in hand. "I can't believe your sex drive is completely dependent on my orders!" He looked up but Evan only shrugged again. "I mean, come on! You've got every right to do what you want with whoever you want. It's none of my business."

"Then why does it upset you?"

Alex stopped pacing and stared at his friend.

"You're thinking of this in your terms. I told you they don't apply."

He could have sworn Evan was grinning, taking some pleasure in his Keeper's discomfort. Alex huffed and pursed his lips in frustration.

"Sha'erah don't have the same frame of reference you do. Our minds were developed differently. It's that simple."

Alex tried to pace again but his legs weren't interested. Instead, they carried him to the large window and folded up, sitting him down on the soft carpet with his back to the heavily-shielded glass. He sat there staring at the carpet for a while, trying to catch up.

Evan moved around to the front of the couch and sat, watching him.

"What about kids?" Alex glanced up, eyebrows arched. "Can you have them?"

"We were told our DNA was altered so we can't." Evan shrugged. "I've never heard anyone claim otherwise."

Alex cleared his throat, wondering if he should even ask his next question. It took two tries before he could even open his mouth to try. "You do prefer women, right? I mean my father never . . . He didn't ask you to . . . Did he?" His face was burning even before he finished stammering through the question, so he again attempted a casual atmosphere by taking a drink as if the answer was no big deal.

This time the smile tugging at the corners of Evan's mouth was unmistakable. He shook his head slightly. "No, he never ordered me to service another man."

"But if he had?" Alex couldn't even meet Evan's gaze, but the fact that his friend was enjoying the situation wasn't lost on him.

"I would have done what he ordered. But if you're asking me would I have enjoyed it, then you're thinking with your own frame of reference again. It just doesn't apply with me." Evan shrugged. "I'm not required to like or dislike what I'm told to do."

Alex's mix of confusion and embarrassment was almost palpable. "So you like sex, right? I mean, maybe not always the person you're with at the time, but the . . . act itself?"

Evan shrugged. "Sure, I like it well enough. I just don't think it's worth getting all confused about."

The beer in his hands was still half full. Alex watched the liquid through amber-colored glass as he gently swirled it around. Millions of tiny bubbles raced to the surface and congregated there momentarily, forming large social groups before bursting into nothing.

"So here's my dilemma." He looked up at Evan and grinned ruefully. "I have a moral problem with telling you to have sex with someone. But if I don't, you're saying you'll go through the rest of your life without it. And that doesn't bother you, but it bothers me even though you tell me it shouldn't, because I want to know you're enjoying your life and everything else you can do or have with it." He watched his friend, not expecting a solution but hoping one would suddenly materialize out of the carpet fibers.

After a long moment of silence, Evan sighed very slightly. "It must be difficult, being you."

Alex laughed and shook his head, then raised the bottle in a salute. "You have no idea."

# # #

Evan rolled over in bed and opened his eyes. The window in his bedroom wasn't anywhere near as large as the one in their main living quarters, but it was still quite impressive. From where he lay, he could see tendrils of purple and green charged gasses snaking out from the Pendulum Nebula in a vain attempt to break free of their trap and venture out into space. It was beautiful, but he'd really rather be sleeping.

He assumed Alex was still fretting over his silly notions of sex. It couldn't be the planet they were heading for, since until a few hours ago they didn't even know it existed. It had to be Mari, or rather what she'd asked permission for. What he would have given to have been there when she asked! Just to see the look on Alex's face.

Not that it was a very charitable thing to wish for. Evan knew his Keeper was embarrassed and probably shocked by her having asked to have sex with his Sha'erah. His reaction probably surprised her beyond words. But in all fairness - as much as Evan rather enjoyed Alex's discomfort during the evening's conversation - he didn't seem to realize that other Keepers were instructed in all of this before taking possession. Spencer had been given a full day's teaching and, before that, several instructional data disks to prepare him for the responsibilities of owning a Sha'erah.

Alex hadn't been given that luxury, and apparently discussing sex that bluntly bothered him. Evan suppressed a grin, then realized no one was in the room to see him smiling. It wasn't every day his Keeper braved subjects that made him uncomfortable, so each time was significant, and he appreciated them more and more.

Evan rolled over again and sighed, resigned to a long, sleepless night. Maybe he should just ask permission to sleep with some woman onboard even if he had no interest in it. If that would get Alex to calm down and stop feeling guilty about something so trivial, he might have to consider it for his Keeper's sake if nothing else. Humans put far too much importance on sex for their own good. It was just a physical act, after all. Pleasurable, to be sure, but over rather quickly considering the time and effort invested, and worth nothing in the end that you could truly justify.

Just go to sleep, Alex!

By the time he realized it was morning, Evan knew he'd gotten only two hours of sleep at best. He dragged himself through the routine of cleaning up and padded barefoot out to the galley to order breakfast and strong coffee. Alex came out looking just as tired as Evan felt and mumbled a greeting. They breakfasted in silence then made their way up to the bridge. In the lift, halfway to the upper deck, Alex began to laugh.

"What?" Evan glanced around, but they were the only two in the lift car.

The laughter faded into a sideways grin. "Just thinking about last night. You enjoyed that, didn't you? Watching me fumble through like a prude."

"You just didn't understand, that's all." Evan shrugged, not wanting to add to his Keeper's embarrassment by admitting that he had enjoyed it. "Original buyers are told all of this before they take delivery."

"So there's probably a whole hell of a lot I'm missing?" Alex shook his head but continued grinning.

Evan would have replied but the lift car doors opened and revealed a small crowd of night-shift crew waiting to end their duty. He followed Alex to the office where they found a message from Mari, asking if Evan could assist Ian in adjusting their own holographic display.

"Uh-oh." Alex sat in his chair and grinned up at Evan. "Sounds fishy to me."

Evan made a face. "Ian said our display was much clearer than his own. He's not as adept at the mechanics." It was foolish of Alex to think Mari could get him into bed without his Keeper's definite order, after what he'd explained last night. "I'm sure I could improve it easily enough."

Alex shrugged. "Go ahead if you want."

Evan nodded and turned to leave.

"You sure you don't need a chaperone?"

He declined to answer the comment, shutting the door on Alex's soft laughter. At the lift, Evan had to wait for the car to return again, then for a small handful of passengers to disembark. Among them was Mari.

"Evan, good morning." She smiled when she saw him and stepped aside to let others pass by.

"I was just on my way down to help Ian with the display."

"Perfect. Is Alex here?"

Evan inclined his head slightly and stepped to the left so she could access the ramp to the office. Mari nodded and walked toward the bow while Evan got into the lift car. Maybe he's the one in need of a chaperone. The doors closed on the sight of Mari knocking on the office door.

He hadn't spent any time with Ian alone, and Evan found himself looking forward to the opportunity. Using the service corridors to avoid the morning crowds, he made it to the hold in less than twenty minutes and found Ian standing at the top of the ramp to his ship, waiting.

"Mari said you were coming." Ian stood aside and allowed Evan onboard. "The unit is down below."

Evan followed the other Sha'erah, feeling suddenly and very oddly uncomfortable. His formal attitude was proper, but it seemed out of place, like Ian wasn't used to speaking with people away from his Keeper and had little practice. The holographic unit was relatively small, but new and in excellent working condition. Evan sat down and placed his right palm over the input pad. In seconds he knew what needed to be done.

"Typical." He released the panel and looked at Ian. "They don't use their equipment to its fullest potential."

Ian shook his head. "A common human failure. Can it be improved?"

"Easily enough." Evan put his hand on the panel again and set about adjusting the data output parameters. He had a thousand things he wanted to ask, about what Ian remembered of their childhood, and how he was getting along with his Keeper, but there was a frightened, almost haunted look about the man that was giving him an uneasy feeling. He concentrated on the task at hand, and soon had the display working at one-hundred percent capacity.

Ian watched the hologram come to life with more clarity than it had before and sighed in quiet relief. "I'm in your debt." He leaned against the counter he'd been standing beside and nodded. "The hologram is just a reference, but it's easier to discern exact locations when I can see more clearly."

Evan nodded, then decided this was the perfect opportunity to break whatever ice there was. But before he could open his mouth, Ian spoke.

"May I ask you a question?"

Evan blinked, then hastily nodded. "Yes, of course."

Ian seemed to hesitate. "I mean no disrespect, but . . . May I ask, how many times have you been sold?"

The question wasn't what he expected, considering, and took Evan by surprise. "Only the once, actually."

Ian's brows came together in a knot. "Alex, he inherited then?"

"Yes," Evan nodded once and looked down, glancing at the table for a moment as he fussed with a control. "From his father."

"From his father?" Ian's puzzled expression grew more intense. "But last night he seemed --. "

"He didn't know his father," Evan supplied quickly. "Alex had no Keeper training or even a clue that I existed before." He realized then just how much could be chalked up to that reasoning.

"Ah." Ian nodded, apparently satisfied by that answer.

Suddenly Evan realized the impression he'd just made and felt the need to clarify. "But Alex isn't like that. He's . . . different." There was no other word for it. He cleared his throat and looked at Ian. "Why do you ask?"

Ian's gaze dropped to the floor, and Evan noted a quickly repressed flush to his face. He recognized the signs, and his gut twisted in sympathy.

"Mari's going to sell you?"

"As soon as we return from this trip. She's retiring." Ian schooled his expression and looked Evan in the eyes. "It's her right, of course."

"Of course." The words rolled automatically off Evan's lips, but they echoed hollowly in his mind.

"I've only been purchased the one time, then passed on when Mari inherited." Ian licked his lips. "I've never actually been sold, not like that." He cleared his throat softly. "I just . . . I wondered if you had any experience in the matter."

The pity Evan felt was so alien and surprising, he wasn't sure how to deal with it. Ian was Sha'erah, and Mari had every right to sell him. Alex was a Keeper, and had the same rights. Evan would be the first to argue that fact and the last to deny it. But . . . deep down he knew Alex never would consider selling him. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he was more certain of his position in life than he'd ever been. Coming from that strange, odd luxury, he felt pity for a classmate living with the dreaded inevitability they'd both been bred to accept.

He found himself desperate to offer some kind of solace. "In some respects, I do. I had never met Alex before he came to claim me, and he hadn't even been aware Sha'erah were real."

Ian's eyes widened slightly. "So you had a Keeper who knew nothing?"

"Yes, at first. It wasn't easy to adjust, but that was the circumstance, not the person." Evan cleared his throat. "It was complicated, at first. But it isn't any more. You might find you prefer it." The chances of Ian getting anyone like Alex were a million to one against. Evan was sure what he and Alex had could never be duplicated, no matter what combination of Sha'erah and Keeper were trying it. He wasn't even sure how they were doing it or what exactly it was, but he knew what they had was special, and would never happen again. He couldn't offer Ian any hope for that, so he didn't want to even try.

Ian sighed. "I know we're adaptable. I know it's possible to get used to another, I just . . . " He shrugged. "Some of what we're taught isn't as easy to adjust to as they make it seem."

Evan's thoughts flashed back to his childhood, and the teaching room where he'd spent most of his time. The recordings of the instructors echoed through his mind, reciting the rules over and over again until they'd become a part of his being.

"They teach us what to expect, but not how to prepare." Evan was staring at a point beyond Ian, eyes unfocused, as the memory flooded his senses. He had the vague sensation of falling into a deep, dark abyss and for an instant couldn't pull himself out. Finally, with a shake of his head, he was able to return to the moment.

He looked at Ian. "What do you remember from before, when we were in training?"

"Not much," Ian shrugged. "Just the teachings." He glanced around the room as if to make sure no one else was listening. "I remember rumors, though, of other Makers. Other places we were made."

Evan's blood ran cold. He shook his head once. "There was only the one."

"I can't be sure, they were only rumors. But it makes sense." Ian shrugged one shoulder. "Would you put something that valuable in one location without a backup?"

"Mari said she'd heard the source was destroyed, and there are no more of us being made."

"I haven't told her what I heard. And she may be right, I don't know." Ian's expression darkened. "They made sure we knew as little as possible, didn't they?"

"Yes," Evan sighed quietly. "They did." He liked Ian, and wanted to be able to help him in some way, but they were both Sha'erah. They knew the limits. "But they also made sure we were valued. If Mari does sell you, you'll adapt. I didn't think I would, but I have."

Ian nodded more out of resignation than acceptance.

Evan felt helpless, but there wasn't anything more he could offer. "I should get back to Alex."

On the walk back to the bridge Evan took the main corridors so he could use the noise and busy hallways as a buffer between himself and his thoughts. When he reached the office door he remembered Mari and opened it carefully, silently hoping he wasn't going to find anything interesting going on.

Inside the office his Keeper was asleep on the couch, face down, breathing quietly.

Evan shut the door carefully and walked to the desk, hesitated, then took a seat in Alex's chair. He was tired from the lack of sleep and a little frustrated by his inability to help Ian find a way to make peace with his situation. Within minutes of watching Alex's slow, rhythmic breathing he felt himself drifting gently into a light nap.

A knocking on the office door twenty minutes later woke them both.

"Enter." Alex sat up quickly, but made no attempt to pretend he hadn't been sleeping when Chief Jackson stepped inside.

"Captain, we've . . ." Jackson hesitated a moment when he realized Alex was on the couch, and Evan behind the desk. The exact opposite positions he'd been expecting to find. "We've found something odd out there." He rustled a data printout he was holding and turned to face Alex.

"Found what, exactly?" Alex blinked up at him, then rubbed one eye with two fingers.

"At first I thought it was just debris, so I did a close scan." Jackson shot Evan a quick glance. "It's a coffin, sir."

"A coffin?" Alex licked his lips and blinked several times.

"It has the Ascalon's insignia, sir."

Alex stopped blinking instantly. Evan stared at his Keeper, using his face as a focal point to school his own reaction. His blood had gone ice-cold, and from the look on Alex's face, so had his. There'd been only one coffin expelled from the Ascalon in this space.

"People die in space, Chief," Alex replied curtly. He stood and paced back toward his desk. "Coffins aren't an unusual sight."

Evan moved instantly, pushing the chair back, but his Keeper held up a hand and shook his head, indicating he wasn't asking for his seat to be vacated. He stopped beside the desk instead and leaned against it.

"Yes, sir, I realize that. But I did a closer scan, out of curiosity." Jackson took a step closer and held out the printed data. "How many are sent out empty, sir?"

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